Up to 15% of all women do not experience orgasms. I am a gynecologist and I've had a fair share of patients with the same complaint. Every one of them would ask me what was wrong with them. The first question I would ask was "Does your partner know about the issue?" And almost every time the answer was "No".
Not so long ago I managed to figure out why there were so many obstacles popping up on a woman's way to satisfaction. I learned the hard way. It happened in Napa Valley – the most romantic place one could think of. Everything was perfect – the nature, the wine, the peaceful set and a whole lot of fun.
The only thing that did not go along with my idea of love and romanticism was the way my partner treated me during sex.
Our room was lit with dim light. I gave him a hint: "Take it slow." We trusted each other about everything in our lives and I felt at ease sharing my desires with him. But this is what his answer was: "You like that? Turn over".
Being the desperate optimist that I am, I interpreted his behavior as a result of a simple misunderstanding, which was why I made another attempt, making sure this time he heard me. But his answer made me regret it.
He looked at me and asked, "Why do you want to control this? Why wouldn't you just let me do with you whatever I want?"
And it hit me: he was doing something to me, not sharing pleasure with me. He pinned me to the bed and treated me so roughly, I almost had to beg him to stop. Eventually he did stop, mumbling, "I know you liked that."
We did not speak with each other for a few days, needless was to say our relationship was over.
He made a statement about how having sex back when we both were 24 years old was so different from what we had now, when we both were 33. In his opinion "the sex had changed".
After we broke up, his words were still raising irrational doubts within me. Was I less attractive in my 30-odd years? Was it because of the cellulite? Or were my breasts not as firm? Or was it just that I was not good in bed?
And all of a sudden, I could see it clearly for what it is. It was not my body, nor my behavior that was the problem. The issue was his inability to understand: this time, when we were both mature, the sex had to combine the desires and needs of both partners, which were not necessarily the same. He did not know much about my body. He thought of himself as a performer, demonstrating his best moves on me, and I should have had been there only for the sake of expressing my amazement and gratitude.
The only real difference between the 24- and the 33-year-old me was not the juiciness of my thighs, but the ability to speak about my desires out loud. I could not worry less about what kind of a sexual object I was in his eyes, I was listening to my own sexual personality.
The first step a woman can take towards her orgasm is to speak up. The real problem about the lack of orgasm (dysfunction) is an inability to get it with or without a partner. Only 30% of all women are able to climax directly from sexual stimulation. And if you can't think of yourself as being part of those 30% it does not mean there is something wrong with you. You just have to give your ingenuity a try. Find a way. Alone or in his company.
The easiest way, of course, is clitoral stimulation. But I think you should not be dwelling on the specific way to reach climax. The main goal is for you to be satisfied. And when you will be able to define what takes you to the edge, tell your partner about it.
The most important thing is to be heard. And someone refusing to hear you is not a reason to doubt yourself or your abilities.
Be honest with yourself. Sex is a two people act, and you have a voice which, instead of being used for screaming simulations, can come in handy in expressing your desires and feelings, for your partner to become even closer.
When you think about it, there is a reason they call it "making love".